A quiet family meal, Grace sits up close to me so I can wipe her mouth when the food falls off from the fork. Alan sits shovelling mash potato into his mouth, slowly trudging his way through his meatballs.
A male reporter mimes his way through a subtitled story on the television that’s been muted.
“All I am trying to say is it’s a doctor’s duty to make sure he takes better care of his patients and not shoot up on morphine when conducting interviews.” He grumbled over his chewed food.
“What’s a duty?” Gracie interjects.
I wipe her bottom lip with a napkin, gravy.
“It’s someone’s job sweetie. I totally agree with you, it’s a misuse of his power. He wasn’t diagnosing his patients properly and some of them ended their own lives as well as others. A total travesty.”
“And he was getting high from his own stash; any drug dealer I lock up knows that’s the first no-no.”
As Alan shakes his head forward into his piled food, I am the one who is ravenous inside. No one knows this but Dr. Jeremiah Rivers was my doctor as a young teen girl, he was the one to give me help when Lacy Burns was murdered – Yes, by me. – Now as I clean-up our dirty dishes and get ready to go to my second job all I know is the story of her will be on my mind. Your first love and murder usually rest on you heavier than any other.
“I will hold my heart over you.” She injures the demon within me with her words.
The date was early 90’s and lacy and I were sitting making daisy-chains in an open field just behind Donnie Larks farm. This was our spot, our time and how we showed love to one another. For teens worldwide falling for the equal sex for a time in curious nature may just be a fad, but for us it was the real deal; Lacy and Sally forever carved into trees we held each other in. Here we lay staring into each other’s starry eyes. Our ankle socks pulled up high as well as my hope for our love.
“Are we going to be together forever?” I look for my insecurity to be laid to rest, her words will heal me.
“You don’t have to ask, Sal. I love you.” She sucks her tight lips into her mouth. I should have read the signs at this moment.
My world becomes smaller and we are the only two inhabitants on it. I jerk my face quickly towards her and peck her on the lips. This is how I want my life to be until the end of time.
“Say something, I want to hear your voice.” I urge.
She turns on her side and arches up her head with her hand. I look up to the sapphire sky with lightly dotted clouds.
“Once upon a time, the sun and moon were in love; a man fell in love with the sun, but with a passion he hated the Moon. So with his magic powers he separated the Sun and the moon forever. Now the Sun shows her face during the day and the moon took upon the night, one day every thousand years they meet in an eclipse, but during their time apart they send wish messages on the wind, depending on the power of the wish, depends on the speed of the wind.”
“Run away with me.” An idea sparks my words.
“What? …Where will we go?” She squeaks.
“Anywhere as long as it’s with you, it’s you I want to be with, that’s all I know.” I pull her closer and hold her head on me.
We made plans to jump town and get on a train and head into the sunset far beyond our eyes can see. So here I am waiting under our tree, stars and moon watching over me. I am so in love, I don’t even realise she is twenty-five minutes late on us meeting.
Where should we go? We can always get part-time jobs build up our money and head for Paris, a dream you can almost touch. I look ideally at my watch to figure out what could be taking so long? Maybe her father has found out about our running away? She got lost in the dark? Kidnapped? ….Cold feet? Possibly.
After a long night of my hope waiting in the darkness as a thrown out dog, I head to my heart owners home for answers. Knock-knock, her mother answers in her 50’s style dress code, she is very beautiful.
“Hi there Mrs. Burns, is Lacy home?” I politely cluck.
“Hi Sally, I am sorry, Lace has gone on a date with Jason Stewart from school; you two are so close, I thought she would have told you.” My heart breaks, love has become her weapon to use against me, she has shot me so many times in the same spot.
“No, she didn’t mention it to me, thank you.” I turn and the door closes on me and our love.
She has destroyed my world I guess that is her nature, but revenge for this hurt turns into an idea which springs up instantaneously. Stick to the rules of yourself, do not hurt anyone to further yourself and you will live. A monster is born.
After 22 hours of persistent phone calls and door knocks she has agreed to meet me, but we must keep it a secret as I am sure this will be our break up, she can only kill me once.
Moping across broken twigs and dead plant life, her head in between her legs to show the hurt she put me through, she knows she is in the wrong.
Her hands stretched out to bargain. “Please Sal, just hear me out.”
Biting my tongue and holding back my shattered hearts pieces I hold cupped within my hand, I nod.
“I think we should just be friends, it’s not that I don’t love you it’s just that I can’t love you just yet.” Here come the water-works. “And I know what we have is special but we are living a lie if we think we can get away with it and it not slip out and have everyone call us out.”
One thousand and one things to say and she has me stumped, she really is my kryptonite.
“So why when we started to do this did you continue, if deep down you were feeling like this? Stopped me before I fell by myself in love, huh? Lead me along the road of a happy future and you hitch a ride from someone else and leave me stranded. How shitty is that?”
Nothing but the caws from crows and hoots from owls fill this awkwardness.
“Yeah well, it’s not like it was real or anything.”
Right there I become a libertine, my thoughts clear away all I want to say as my head rises to darkness.
“You bitch, that really does hurt me. You better because I am going to chase you.”
The fear of her life lies on her face, she about turns and runs for her life.
We lollop through the low branches. Pants and slight breathable squeaks shunt through the nightlife. As she turns to see her stalker she is clothes-lined by a branch is hurtled backwards to the floor. I stop my chase and walk to Lacy, she is going nowhere.
“Why couldn’t you just love me?” I sputter up the shards of hate.
She tries to show words but her mouth is battered from the impact. She reaches out her hand and tries to bring me down to help level for a makeup hug.
“You made my heart bleed for you, now it’s your turn.” I reach for a branch and crack it straight through her rib cage and have it protruding from her beautiful heart.
The love has gone.
Dr. Jeremiah Rivers was the psychologist assigned to Lacy’s case to perhaps find who did it and also give the ones she loved some mental support.
I guess he didn’t do his job properly and now from my point of view he could have stopped me years ago, I wonder what other monsters he let slip through his fingers. It doesn’t matter, I am going to pay him a visit and get the answers I want.
Time to for my dark side to take control.